She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Did you pee in the oven last night??
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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