I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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