I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
