oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
