found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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