i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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