at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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