It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
