before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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