Umm I'm too high to move.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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