I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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