just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
