Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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