Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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