I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
pop tarts are not kleenex
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize