I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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