Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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