I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
