I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
