im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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