If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Of course I have a pirate flag
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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