1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
