I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
