The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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