nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize