She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm just crazy horny about you
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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