One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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