I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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