I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
