apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
