I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
