Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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