I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
