Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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