I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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