Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You took a bar mat shot.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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