We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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