Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
