Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize