The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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