So drunk its hurt
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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