I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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