did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
