I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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