He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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