WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize