can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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