Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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