i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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