it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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