Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
