The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Someone signed my nipple.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
