I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
