I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
