Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
