I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
someone owes me an orgasm
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
