Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I will pee on everything he values.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
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