I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
