True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she looked like the before picture.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
