Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
