Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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