It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
