i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
