My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize