We won't sleep together?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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