just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
